August 26, 2010


     Yeah rite. As the title says, I AM SAD, I AM BAD and I AM MAD.
     This post is a spontaneous one, un-planned and un-organised. Probably, more vague and forlorn as i am just venting out. So don't expect some well-framed beautiful phrases and words, cos' am in a sad, bad and mad mood that it is well gonna be short and silly and full of errors. Well, not my mistake. My temper doesn't know grammar.

     Let me just let it out short.


     My bestie is leaving the country for her higher studies.
     Friends, countless in number and still expanding into a larger network. I admit that there are many in my life who are pinned with the tag of friendship. Also, i can very well say, with happiness and a little pride, that i am and can be a good friend.
     But then, there is only one with whom you can feel the complete compatibility. The one that cannot be replaced with infinite number of people.

     I believe strongly that Friendship is something wherein one, instead of influencing and changing one's life, should rather accept the person as they are.

     I have awesome great friends. But my best friend is someone with whom the above principle of friendship do not apply, or rather i should say that it has no use. There is nothing to be understood and accepted, cos' she is like a twin soul to me.

The best thing is that i met the BEST FRIEND with whom i feel so much connected.
The bad thing is that the meeting got delayed.
The worst thing is that she is soon going to a distant place for her masters.

     Well, i know that life has to keep going on and there are lot of ways to stay in contact and friends are made forever and it is the impossible to break this perfect friendship and also i am happy for her next phase.
     But there are certain things that our mind knows which our heart doesn't accept.
Hence, I am feeling sad!


     Call it over-confidence or attitude or self-pride but It actually sounds funny when i describe myself as bad.
     Anyways, the thing is that yesterday mom asked me the details of the transactions and withdrawals from my account during the last month.

     I am sometimes stupidly hyper-sensitive about few things and tend to react in a stupid way. Finances are one of them. 

     Once dad complained that i should ask him for money directly if i am in need, for which my sensitivity got enabled and i stopped asking him for anything, except for signature in application forms. 

     Leos are independent souls and do not depend on anyone for anything. It might sound weak but then i am that, a strong leo. 

     Four years back, mom commented that i am over-using the credit card, and from then on, she stresses me to use it well cos' of my reduction, absence sometimes, of the use of card.
Too sensitive. Yeah that's me.
     After her much reluctant and cautiously framed inquiry, my temper shot up and was fuming with anger on the mis-trust and baseless assumption of wasting away the funds.

     Huh, there is this person who knows that i don't like dependence and provides me with the resources without my asking, yet i get angry with very few simple questions that ought to be told.

     How could i be so bad!

     I am waiting for the past two months for my call from the company about the joining date. 
It is so irritating to spend days with no work at all and while away time lazily.

     I love free times and holidays, but only if they are properly spaced between work. 
     This long, seemingly-unending empty days of vacation are so maddening that i either keep thinking about silly issues and worry without reasons, or paint the whole present with negativity.

     The maddening part of the madness is that i think of something and i contradict myself.

     Huh, I wanna think clear! Refine and focus the wandering thought-flow! Duh! Soo mad!

          Phew. . If you have scrolled all the way down through my frustrations, i really appreciate it. :-)

     The real post that i have worked out but incomplete, is currently sleeping with two other drafts. I will be completing soon hopefully. 
     These feel-bad disturbances just make me so dead tired!
     Let's see how things proceed.
     See ya soon, with better reasons and positive goods!

August 20, 2010


"Look here she is. You should learn to be like her. Ask her how she studied and what she does in her free-time."
Two of my aunts, along with my mom, were pointing out to me and telling a kid cousin of mine.

     I was standing there and was
- Proud. Happy. Cool. Confident. King. Wow.
     Err. Wait. This was not the feel. Let's rewind a bit.

     I was standing there and was, well looking totally blank, with only one thing running on my mind, "Oh God, Not this. :-("

     The scenario took me some years backward, where i had been at similar scenes, but not as the indexed-model.

     Let me tell you a short story about a kid girl, who just had her knowledge of understanding things illuminated.
     Though she excelled well in academics and learnt and performed various arts, and however talented and top favourited, she was constantly put under comparisons and degrading comments by few people close to her. "You should be like A (Why names, when they are not the main characters)", "Learn from B", "You should follow the steps of C" and many such lines are what she heard on a daily basis.
     Did she mind? Nah, Not much. All she made out from the repeated lines was that she was no good when compared to A, B and C. And moreover, she was too young to recognize and be aware of the ill-effects of such comments that were gonna make a bigger impact in future.
     The worst turn that could happen then was her being sent to a new place and admitted in a new school and asked to reside with A, B and C.
     And to top it all, it was the start of her teenage, the age when the personality and character of a person goes through tests and modulations and changes.
     Well, nothing bad or seriously hard did happen, but then she had been already inflicted with the worse.
     Whatever that had happened, however silly it had been, whoever had done it for fun and wherever it had gotten into, she took the wrong side of things, felt depressed and dejected, made things worse for herself and ended up killing every single remaining spirit within her and never once let the frustrations out.
     All she felt for herself were low self-esteem, isolation and abstraction and depression.
     All she had for others were ego, jealousy and hatred. She felt her own self into pieces.

     Well, she went through a tough time and through a series of realizations and acceptance, before she became a much better person.

     Back to the starting point,
I don't understand why many parents and many others want their children to be a photocopy of some other successful person, without having even a glance at the uniqueness and potential both as a person living a wonder and as an artist with a different love and choice for colors making a masterpiece.

     They may not know the real impact of "comparisons" nor they would accept the existence of such an issue. 

     There is neither a solution to the wide-spread abstract issue, nor do i possess a power with which i could swish my wand and change the mentality of the people inflicting innocent kids or the negativity of the affected kids.

     Well, my aunt asked me to talk and "advise" my kid cousin. So they asked and so will they get.
     I called the kid aside and told her that she is an equally good person as me or anyone else and asked her to have a dream and work hard for it in her own way and feel the pleasure. After-all it is not the destination that gives meaning to life, but the journey that adds the color and flavour to life.

     Now for the suggestion. . . No, advice. . Rather, a request. . Or further more, An order . . Nah, Let's term it as a MISSION!
     You may not be the causal factor of such an issue, as i feel my readers are people who value individuality, but you can very well have a good hand in the effect of it.
     If you witness such a scene where you see a kid being degraded or criticised, Just tell the kid how much the world needs her own unique light by her own ways.
     You may also talk to the seniors about it, not letting themselves and others influence their wonderful kids.

     Well, As you would have easily guessed, it is obvious that the little girl in the story above is ME.
I narrated as third person, cos'. . No, Not cos' wanting to jump from behind you and shout "Boo! It's me!" and giving you a surprise. . . i could relate the character only to the person whom i had been before, not who am i now. I won't say that i had been a mess before, i would rather say that i am now a better person and will be a much better person.
I will pen down later about me becoming the architect, building myself at every step. But for now,

     Let's develop the positivity in air and pass it on to the world by joining hands!



August 15, 2010


     Birthday - The day when you find and feel every single element of your existence special.

     I very well remember that special feel. Huh! Did i say "remember"? Now the Storyline can be guessed correctly.

     My 20 birthdays were more than perfect. Frilly fairy frocks and lovely apparels, new shoes and shiny accessories, Big chocolate (My favie) Cake, gold crepe wrapped and ribbon tied gifts, Chocolates, Yummy items, Evening parties, Rainbow colors, Sunshines, Brightness, Smiles, Joy and happiness.

     And these cute things define, represent and mean the concept of Birthday to my eyes.
     I held these close to my heart, see to it that these fill my day, consider these as the top prioritized ones, made myself special and also made sure that everyone see me special on my day, which resulted in the day becoming the best in the year of the world.

     Until the transition happened.
     Sometimes, life presents us with difficult choices. One such is the choice between joy and truth.
Joy of coloring a single day with vibrant colors and truth of remaining days under grey scale.

     Birthday is the one day that stands for the year of life.
     Does that mean that one day spread the radiance for every other day of the year?
     Should i live the remaining 364/5 days under the memory of a single best day?

     Then, formed a new and a more meaningful context for birthdays - The day when An Awesome worth-living purposeful year of life, is self-appreciated by raising a toast for the value of our existence in this world.

     When our lives are greatly valued by ourselves, by our contributions to our life as well as to the world, we feel the worth of living. And we can feel the real celebrations on our birthdays.

     I would rather buy myself a Cindrella frock along with a little girl who has been dreaming of a piece of cloth for years. I will have a candle-lit dinner along with those who work with heart and soul without knowing their next-meal existence for certain. I will lit a candle in my cake whenever the light could illuminate some part of someone's journey. Hence making every day of the year as MY-OWN-DAY!

     I am over-whelmed by the wishes and prayers that i received for my life on my day. With that as my light and hold in life, A long path has been laid. 

     If i am asked to describe myself with a single word, my reply would be DREAMER.
And, Dreamers are supposed to be PASSIONATE ACHIEVERS and not just fictional contributors.

     Why celebrate a day for oneself, when one can celebrate every single day with the whole world. .

Lighting my birthday candles with smiles of the world.


August 12, 2010


     I looked myself at the mirror. Not impressive but all the same, somewhat bearable. Wonder how come some are gifted with beauty, the pure and intense beauty. Even if they had been the God's messengers in previous birth, i don't think i would come under the bad lot. 

     I hear people appreciating my looks, only lately. I have heard worse comments about my appearance before.
     Nevertheless, it doesn't matter to me a bit. It just stands to prove that how much people consider appearances. 

     I understand the importance of inner beauty and always aware of the line that "there is more to it than what you see". I do appreciate external beauties but i never do judge their hearts for their looks. For me, after all these days of witnessing characters of purpose, my heart is always in search of the genuine minds even if they were hidden under a tattered hat.

     But then, i can't expect goodness to find me in the same way. And my friends especially my Bestie, for whom i am the beauty queen of the world, don't mind about my appearance since they know me well. But i want the people of the world to connect with me and hear me out and feel fine with me, for which i don't want external presentation to be a barrier.
     Appearance do have an impact, especially for free-spirited souls like me. I don't want anything to get missed out when i wanna fly high and explore the yonder

     I have to admit that i look better, better than how i looked two years back, though i should confess that it had taken and still taking a hell lot of works, that involved and still involve pains in achieving something that i dream of, yet i might not be entitled to it. 

     I am someone who is into fantasies and miracles, believing in myself being the angel of the stories. But Cindrella, of whatever be the story, is supposed to look, not just good, but purely beautiful. 
     I call myself as Mother Nature's child, and it sure holds true. Since the day i became a bit sensible and a person who holds onto beliefs and self-made ideals, i never let go of some unreal beliefs. Whenever i fall sick or get hurt, i believe in Mom Nature to heal me, which i say as Natural Cure but don't mean the same literally. I believe that being Nature's child i get treated by her and till date, She has never let me down. But when it comes to the subject of beauty, i am searching for Her to get some solutions, or answers at the least.

     It may be well concluded that i give a lot of importance on external show, which, i should say, is only the half truth.
     Inner beauty comes first. And i know that mine is pure. Character can never be under question. Moreover, we just need a sense of goodness and love for self and world and Life looks after everything else, presenting us with varying colors and scenes and let us act and react accordingly and enhancing our character consequently.

     But beauty?? It is what we are and what is given to us, for once and ever. Whatever we do to enhance, it wouldn't be a natural process. Just a full-time consciousness and concern about skin and it's characteristics.

     And what i am asking for, is not the captivating looks that could get through a beauty contest. I want the natural sense of beauty, the feel-good sense on being within my own coat and the ease of looking true.
     The skin-deep beauty that i am wishing for, will not help in attracting people but helps me to fly high freely, with hands spread wide and taking in the energetic and electrifying elements of the atmosphere. It would rather make me less concerned about my appearance since i could feel the goodness of it inside me.
     It is not exactly the external beauty, but rather the external beauty which you could feel from your inside.
     I am just wishing for that good-feel which i wanna feel about my own appearance myself. I am even ready to lose few points of good-looks to gain the natural purity.

     I never really care about others' comments or views of me. I can be called as someone who thinks too much about myself, but i believe that unless we have a good self-opinion we just can't have a real good-feel for others. 

     Feeling Good about self, And reaching out to the inner galaxy through the outer screen of being.


August 11, 2010


     This is one of the most common feel which i rather mask it all the time.
     Brace yourselves, here comes the description with my own unique UNBEARABLE way of expressing things. The feeling goes likes this.

     It would be as though the seismic waves are spreading within you that you find yourself shaking at a richter scale of 9, your stomach gets tightened and your heart plays the skip-rope, you would feel like crying out loud  yet, you wanna laugh like crazy too. You wanna be left alone but you would find yourself talking a lot. You want to sleep but rather you feel like dancing mad. If there were any witness for the extremity of such a feeling of yours, you would certainly be mistaken for a neuro patient. Phew. 

     Well, this is how one, well i for one, would feel so at times of tension combined with some excitement. For instance, when results for whatever it might be are expected to come, when you are going on a date for the first time, on the night prior to the day of your marriage. And, when you are selected for a job and waiting for the call. And furthermore, all your friends except for you have received the calls and you are still waiting, waiting and waiting, to get to know your location and joining date. 

     All i am doing right now is praying for a good location, along with my friend and getting some confusing varying thoughts like, how the hell i got missed out, what if my resume had stuck to its neighbours or flown away when the window was kept open,. . . 

     And more mad thoughts like, whether was it real or had i been dreaming that i got really selected by the company and i am trying to focus whether did it really happen or were it my illusion. . .

      And interfering ones like, what if i get posted in a separate place with no friends and in new locality. . 

     Oh god.. let this get over soon. Cos' am really really going too mad about it..

     At such times, i write down, which i am doing right now and which would be saved in drafts till i format it. And then, listen to music or say aal izz well,Which i might have learnt this from a bollywood movie but trust me, it sure works. 

     Moreover, The world is in need of me. Okay, sorry for that overkill. But there are people out there who is probably going nerve wreck over this silly call letter issue. 

     These are times when you need to feel positive without any reason so that you could pass on some positive energy to others and help them feel a bit better, which is a better alternative than chorusing with them the "mee-too, boohoo" song.
Time to get back to work.

     I had written this post, last week, when my friends, except for 4 or 5 including me, didn't get the call. While everyone else were frustrated and were acting tensed, i was actually feeling mad initially but i got this idea of writing down the scene since i would not be able to recreate the exact feel, unless otherwise it happens again and i get to remember to pen down. Also, writing it down provided a way to relieve the tension and also it would later sound funny whenever i read it. I still didn't get the call yet, but then, AAL IZZ WELL!! :-)

As i said before,
Time to get back to work.
Cherio. :-)


August 2, 2010

Am a savior!!

     I glanced at my watch for the tenth time (didn't count but felt like too many times). Half past eleven in the morning. "She should have been here couple of hours before. Mom said so. Well, God save her from the wrath of mom", i thought irritatedly. 

     Mom is one person who can't tolerate insincerity when it comes to work. She works so hard and serious that she expects the same from others too. I suppose that i am the only person in this whole world who gets to escape from the tight rope of her intolerance factor.

     I am too lazy for words. But i complete the given work somehow, mostly by working throughout the 24hrs the last moment. Also honesty, i guess, has passed onto me by mom. 
Which means that except me everyone else, from my sis till the servant maid, would be under supervision all around the clock.

     Which also meant that the maid is gonna face some bad time sooner. 

     Our maid. She has been working at my home for almost ten years and she must be 50-something now yet she is quite adamant on continuing despite the requests from mom and gran to quit owing to her age. She has to support the whole family till her grandchildren, not to go into the details of her sons and daughters having employment problems. So her assigned works got reduced to the basic ones. 
She has been good, except for her skipping the chores lately. 

     I sighed and glanced my watch again.

     Mom would be calling me any moment asking about her.
What do i tell her? 
I neither want to lie, nor want to get the maid in trouble. 

     Duh! These are one of those scenes where you don't wanna get involved. I remember such situations before.

     Once i had lied to family for a cousin by telling some stupid lie as he asked me to and once i had told the truth which landed one of my friends in punishments, and both the times, i had a headlong dive into some trouble. Small things do land me in trouble and moreover i want to avoid any uncomfortable situations at home even if i am not involved. Such scenes disturb my sleep. :|

     Wish mom had forgotten. Or wish the maid had talked to mom and things were sorted out. Or wish mom doesn't call me. Or wish.. Huh, am running out of alternative escapades.
Damn, Why should i get involved in something so purposeless and something that has nothing for me to act on, yet my conscience and mind is at work cos' of that "nothing".

     My phone rang. 
"oh oh"
Mom: hello, is everything fine at home?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Want anything for the evening?
Me: Nope. Nothing.
Mom: ok. Did the maid come?
Me: *there it comes* Ummm.. Err..
Mom: Well??? Did she or not??
Me: Well, she didn't. but then, i took a nap sometime back. She might have dropped in then. Don't know.
Mom: oh okay. see you in the evening. Take care.
Me: Yep.

     Phew. Guess that did fine. Neutral. 

     The maid did come in the evening and finished her work and left, before mom arrived.
Good work i did by earning her some extra time. Tomorrow there wont be any stern voices that would wake me up. 

I saved the day.. well, atleast saved someone from a tough time. :-) Peace. 


August 1, 2010


     "Aunt wants you to come for the movie too", she said for the fifth time. I said, "no mood, you carry on". She started, "But you will. . ." I replied before she could finish, "No No No and that's final".
Damn! I hate it. 
      No, not people convincing me about something by asking me repeatedly. That comes second. I hate it totally when someone cut short before one could finish voicing out their opinions. In short, what i did exactly sometime back.

     We lend our ears indefinitely to some Tom Dick and Harry even if we feel like hitting their face and shutting them up, but we would be dead patient to avoid any uncomfy situation. Yet when it comes to someone close to heart, we would block their voice in the mid, shout our ideas, argue without knowing the topic. . We will reason our behavior as taking-rights-with-friends-and-family and being frank with close ones. But, Guess what this indicates.
     Temporary acute deafness syndrome! 

     Even aurally challenged persons would whole-heartedly hear whatever others are trying to say.

     And there are some who show other signs of TADS (put up with my acronyms :-P) too. For instance, the subject B in following conversation.

A: Maybe you should try to do it this way. *concerned and worried*
B: Noo, not possible. *dull tone*
A: Try to stay positive first. *Stern voice*
B: No use dude. Leave it. *indifference*
A: You are just not trying. *desperately trying to make the other see sense*
B: Big deal. Won't make a difference. *rather resigned to fate*

     I had been in the places of both A and B, i know how it irritates one when being the A as if we are trying to make the walls hear us and also when being the deafie.

     Wonder if God regrets on seeing the hearing ability in wrong hands. . I mean, Wrong ears.

     But there is one cure for this illness. Well, not exactly cure, but a positive way of being deaf.

     The talks of your loved ones include, not only the subject, but also the tones of love, care, trust, concern and all sweet stuffs. Maybe if we try to decode the patterns of their tones and extracting the affections it instead of cutting them short and stopping them, it would actually build us strong.

     This doesn't mean that we should agree and obey. Just acknowledging the concern.
     The strength in your heart would be built by such voices of concern and will show the resistance to criticisms aimed at us.

     Again, after half an hour, "Aunt thinks that you need a break. And you could interact with her too, would be a good time." 

     Well, Mom does give me second chances.
     All the same, my answer was negative but i let her talk. After all, it feels good to know the care shown on me. :-)

Let's find the hidden love in this world. :-)