THE CONJECTURE ON PURPOSE OF SURVIVAL.

I would have planned a million things, tried a billion ways and failed a zillion times, all before something that was considered to be illogical would decide the direction in which i should walk further in life.

Well, don't bother asking me if i feel like a clown dancing to the wrong tunes. Cos' I don't.

The real challenge lies in walking on the unplanned path, with your head held high and eyes appreciating the beauty around.

Life doesn't actually stop when you trip down. It may slow down a bit, but does not stop. However it does, when you stop moving.

I have got so much used to MOVING ON in Life, that those who are finding it difficult and those who have a constancy and normalcy in life have started to criticise me of being abnormal and rude, disrespectful as I don't give the due respect to the issue in concern.

Funny. When people ever gonna respect the concept of Destiny. Or for the Practical minds, Self-Made Choices.

A VIRTUAL RELAPSE.

You know, what it really means to be detached?

I have deactivated my facebook account. Unplugged a source that had the lights of bonds keep going on.

Now the power is gone, the color of lights do not seem to matter much and my eyes are getting accustomed to the dark. A Nice Feel.

Nobody really cares how we feel. It is all about how others perceive how we feel.

The times when people really wanted to keep in touch with colleagues and friends and grow their networks, both professionally and socially, isn't much obvious in this social network.

The present has seen this virtual network grow so big, all on the basis of mediocre human nature, that has brought the real purpose of networking.

Well For instance, How many of us do think about the number of likes and comments every day?

The number of "shares" for what we shared.

The size of our friend list.

The exploration of private lives of people and their relationships.

Well, most of us do. And It is quite normal. We want people to look up on us.

The survival of humanity exists in the mutual acknowledgments between fellow minds.

We wish to be recognized and we desire to be appreciated.

In this process, we also actually lose the touch with ourselves, forget to think worthy of self and the genuineness of our own thoughts that are actually invaluable.

I am well aware of some voices of disagreements, from my own mind as well as echoes from around. But then, Basic rule - Perceptions differ.

I am not generalizing my opinion. All the same, I have suspended mine , cos' I saw myself getting lost in the virtual intricacies, becoming more conscious on what I say, more concerned on the responses.

I was pretending to be happy, when I was in reality facing a dead end. 

Not the least, I saw my personal space invaded.

This is it.

If I have to rule a kingdom, I dare rule it my way.

I love it this way. This detachment from the struggle for existence in the virtual world. A kind of Rehab. 

Feel Good. :-)

However, I would be back FB-ing.

But for now,   

    Feels Good. :-)

I KEEP WALKING.

I keep Walking,


A Search of a Mind,


Detached and left behind,


Burying the deepest secret, a Sorrow,


In the hope for a better tomorrow.


Walking ahead, with nobody taking me in tow,


The only companion being my own shadow,


Masked in disguise of strength,


Believing in the purpose of Life's length,


Let the torch within lead me,


Give a vision to see,


That in some way I serve Thee.


I Keep Walking.

Destiny of the Damned.

The Scent of your Presence,


The sound of your Footsteps,


The vision of your Shadow,


Not one of these would show,


As much as the Fear,


Emanating from you, you be far or near,


That you have Lost and Fallen,


That you are back in my Den.

A SHORT THERAPY TO THE JUDGEMENTAL ME.

I CAN HEAR YOU!

I do hear your booming voice. Yes, YOU! 

You keep going on and on, that I'm just unable to concentrate. Yet, you seem to be immune to my criticisms.

You sit there with legs crossed and a commanding authority of a dictator, and once I seem to have a slight doubt on my own belief, which you get to know as always, you make your entry then and change my mind over.

You have influenced me so much, all with inferences of my broken bonds with people, many who would have earned my respect and vice versa. Had it not been for you, I need not feel the guilt while meetimg their eyes. And to think that I have been approaching you with a respect for opinions, listening patiently to all of your incessant preaching, should add "baseless".

I am not denying that you have been right few times, but then it is high time.

Even now, you are very well aware of my cold stare for you whenever you walk-talk alongside, and further i have shown a cold shoulder and have shut the door right on your face, you don't seem to exhibit any feelings of remorse nor have turned a new leaf. I could still hear your constant saintly dominating opinions.

But all the same, do realize that I have tuned my heart to stay deaf to your noise. So it is in my best of "thoughts" to ask you to Shut Up! before you lose your voice. And try to get some patience and humility, will do you some good.

After all, It is you who taught me nobody could be perfect, My dear Judge-mental mind.

A POETRY, A LOVE AFFAIR.

Last night, while swimming through the ocean of thoughts, I happen to come across this poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost which was followed by a flash of memory of a faded forgotten crush that i had for the poet.

vinithra's photography. Woods, German Outland.

In early days when i used to read poetry, mostly cos' of the school coursework, very few poets connected to me heart with their emotions and expressions. 

Walt Whitman, Robert Browning, Milton, Coleridge had my respect, whereas Rabindranath Tagore is my Inspiration big-time.

Keats and Wordsworth are my favourites, especially Wordsworth as i connected well with him everytime I go through his flow of feelings, like the feel you get with your twin sibling. A Brotherly icon to look upto and follow.

And then, the One. William Shakespeare. I usually talk against Shakespeare, give a "no-big-deal" attitude over his sonnets, disagree with the personality analysis results of being similar to his mind. All this while, I would secretly read, admire, and dream about his words and verses, and I know for sure that I would fall for him if he is present in this lifetime.

Coming back to the point, Robert Frost. The only poem I had read of his was "The road not taken". Simple and beautiful. A small time crush. So when the memories rode by, I had a sudden intent to revive the lost love for the poem. 

However, Evolution is marked by Changes, changes the way you wanted to be into the way you actually are. 

It is more like, I used to love red color when I was a kid and now I prefer black and blue.

A Difference between a childhood crush and a true love.

I couldn't relive, more so unable to revive. But I did enjoy the read after years, a new sketch of the song.

All the same, Tagore remains my Inspiration, Wordsworth my all time favourite and Shakespeare, a love affair. :-)

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

---------------------------

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

A PERSISTENT DREAM. And How my blog is heading to a Crash.

I Kept bungling my mind, (Not the right word for searching wide thorough), Something like tearing apart a place and finding nothing and standing in the middle of the mess and thinking where would i have placed it.

That's exactly how i feel.

No matter how i try to keep up my blog going, yes I'm talking about BLOGGING for a change, I just couldn't.

I am devoid of substance.

Content. Something which i'm passionate about. Something that I have been pulled into. Something I like talking about. And something I'm good at and enjoy doing.

Something which is usually called as "Interests".

Some are real fortunate to have their passions as career.

And Some, still exploring the horizons.

When i started this blog, I liked talking about it and in it. I babbled about all random stuffs. Alas, Randomness maybe me but not my interest.

For a three odd year existence, a Hit it would have been, only if it had been focussed and directional.

Quite Obvious, Nobody likes straying about a maze, just to get lost and find nothing.

My Passions, No clue as of yet.

Dreams are intended to surface in reality someday or the other, Else the memories would make you feel lost, more than ever.

Got constraints or blocks in your hobbies, then there comes your sense of reasoning. Once you know that you have got it right, then make it right.

Life is too short to be walked in dead leaves. 

Memories are great, only when they are of sound moments and not of your unspoken wishes.

I kept my blog generic cos' i was and still unsure of my genre. Well come on, i can't talk of politics or society. Though i have views of my own, i feel that certain topics must be kept to yourself.

Anyways, I will keep looking for it. And as for this space, I'm happy about it's sheer existence, and on my word, I intend to make it a better place to hang out. :-)

Till then, More randomness and Much Life.

LIFE AND ME.

Well, I did start writing in my journal, after so many days. And Time is not on my Journal's side i presume. The ink got over and i had to suspend the writing for a while.

So many things in mind, and so less in energy to express.

All the same I should accept that, I don't come across much things that could be worth a mention. A day, most of the time, spent in front of a computer, doesn't have much to look into.

Except for the thoughts and the ways i could feel, varying every moment and swinging through the extremes, I just don't have physical quantities in life to carry forward.

Not to blame the profession I am in, Cos' When we strive for something since high school, where we need to put in lot of time and space and energy and efforts, to earn the bread for the day, is not a joke, and can't possibly be burdened with a feel of regret and guilt.

If we feel that the job has to be blamed for the stress and fatigue at the day's end, the most sensible thing to be done is to quit it.

Money or Food, whatever reason be it, Life is not worth the bad feel we give in and for which we don't take up the responsibility.

Doesn't quite work that way.

And for this Life, Every feel is taken into account. Including the Solitude.

Trying to be in a relapse, sure demands time to settle down and pacify the fears and feels of loneliness and regret.

But i guess we need to keep walking.

Put the trust in the relation and move forward with a strong heart.

Life just doesn't stop.

WEIRD TIMES. ON and AHEAD.

So, as far as i understand, i can keep up a resolution for upto three days max. I just couldn't write up the daily nonsense owing to my laziness.

Much has been happening, relationship issue, and I did and Now I am trying to ignore and forget whatever has been happening.

Just feeling hurt and alone. Confused. 

Love is really a beautiful thing, gives a special meaning to Life, But not the whole meaning. 

When it comes to life, There are many others reasons to breathe and smile, And Love just doesn't becomes everything.

I may be seeing something very small and worthless, but I want to settle with something that i have been fighting for years. Freedom. One thing that has been elusive for me, An Independence-day born.

But the present seem more lost. 

I have been losing touch with friends, family, etc. in the context of being in a relationship which needs some solid time and space. 

But now, as it has been suspended (the suitable word i would use as of now), I feel void.

It seems like, I entered into the gates of a city, a stranger empty place. 

Alone and empty.

Snapped from the illusion of having 430 friends or a big family.

It is just me and me.

Moreover, This age of mine is not the best time to lose a relationship, Cos' anytime i would be tied an irreversible knot, and it is totally insensible if it is a stranger in the scene.

But then, As far as i am concerned, That one particular issue would have to stay "ELUSIVE" as much and as long as my independence.

Life is very short (And all the same i don't intend for it to be long). And I want to Feel and Live for sometime. 

No dependencies or intrusions.

No Wonder. No Problem.

Being Me and Me, all over.

NEVERTHELESS, AN IDLE DAY AND IDLE ME. PERSONALITY and Other stuffs.

I have lot in mind, yet i am unable to write anything, atmost concrete. 

Since morning, i remember getting lost into Thoughts atleast four times today. Yet, neither could i remember them to pen down nor could i rethink again. The Fatigue i suppose.

Other than the usual work, chilled out conversations and humour, the thriller of a bus ride to and fro office, the handsome cute guy in bus, and my new funny kiddish hair style, the one other thing i did was taking random psychological personality tests. Right, was a bit too much idle today and hence this doing.

Check out the following:

Ha ha.. "Save the World, Here I come!".

That was a great time pass. 

I can't say for sure that these results were accurate or not. But i could say that self-introspection is something that attracts me. Maybe that's one of the reasons behind my interest in psychology. Knowing self and others is a way to understand the world and life better.

Well Whatever.

For what it is worth, It was worth the time. 

And tomorrow, probably i would pen down the times i get "lost in thoughts". Will see what maketh a day.

P.S.:More than Superman, I would love to be invisible girl, Or the wonder girl, Or Ice-princess. ;-)

A FEEL to WORK, BREATHE, and LIVE for. And to TALK NONSENSE about. LIKE THIS.

Oh Man! Crisis.

I was under the conception that the name i have kept for my blog is something out of the box, and if i google it, i could find the link atleast in the tenth page. But not happening.

Seems like many have thought blah-blah-blah-ing through their blogs, i mean Blahgs.

Well now even the name is as dilemma-ic as the blog itself. 

Anyways, As i said, It just doesn't stop.

Today i had a nice chilled out conversation with team, Where a colleague described his morning walks and brought out the Refreshing feel to reality. As for me, being a night person, and having witnessed just few sunrises, It was more of a pleasant stuff to hear, which took me to wondering how would it be, and how would i feel. 

Never Mind. It's all about how we enjoy, not exactly when. Though trying out things even if it doesn't come under your line would be a good idea, after all we try out things and show ourselves as someone who we may not really be, Why not try out small simple new things for personal ways.

Not altogether pointless.

Pointless. Yes, I had written a line in my other blog yesterday, " just don't lead a pointless life just cos' it seems to be the easy way"

A Comment by a good friend, that we could very well lead a pointless life than living on silly points. 

Well, i have been thinking on this for the past few hours and i just couldn't get myself to acknowledge it in any possible way. Not to be biased, It may also be because that my thought has been opposed. 

Anyways, I feel that even if purpose behind, be it silly or worthy, it is our life and the FEEL we have must be genuine and true. Nothing else matters. 

Do you think I give a damn on what you feel about my life. Obviously not. None of us do. 

Hence Proved. Simple and nice to argue, having a valid point and a void response. ;-)

Also, this blog is all about what i really think and feel, and not what i reply.

Dust off to those diplomatic polished replies.

SILLY RANDOMNESS. How well I could be.

Lately, I am becoming a good Muddlehead.

Take anything in the day-to-day walk, I have a second thought, not to mention the hundred thoughts that flow afterwards. A hesitation, An Indifference, A Guilt, And a Stress.

In the end, I feel Tired. 

An Unwilling Heart to clear my sleep. An Hesitation to board the office bus, to undergo the Pressure of Rash driving and Traffic and heat and Dust around. A Sullen face while walking all the way to my place. A Burdened feel and tightened Mind, weighing heavily on my Head in the long hours of bonding with a box of micro chips and cards and few electrons and light. A negligible weak lunch and small conversations. And a Tiresome physical feel back to home.

And a Continuous search for minute joys and good feel all along.

Well, I seem to have ended up with the right thing.

In our lives, and during some phases, Unless we intend for Peace and Happiness by valuing even the micro minute joys and goodness in life, we will probably get buried in the daily trials and trifles till we are completely washed out of the passion for life.

Moral: Make sure you find one thing today that would make you spend a small moment with a beautiful smile and a silent chuckle and a heartbeat of inspiration.

Share(if ever someone is reading) your point of joy today.

Mine? Well, I had a short deep nap on my desk after a heavy lunch and none of my colleagues did think of disturb. And woke up as if in a hangover. Damn the Hot Summer! (Nothing on me ofcourse :-P)

SOME START. Well Ofcourse, I could say!

Well, I had been at this point, five times in the past to be exact. 

Starting a Blog is not a new thing for me. I, being so random and whimsical, likes following my ideas however silly or vague they may be. A need to start afresh. A wish to scribble. An Urge to actually sound Non-sensical.

You may think, why to start a new space altogether, when i am left with a Good blog and especially when it is void of my writings, and a handful of people waiting for my once-in-bluemoon articles. A question i asked myself. 

Well, That's the whole point. This time it won't be just another blog of mine.

This space is mainly for my rants and silly ideas and sometimes-great thoughts and Random philosophies ofcourse. Not always big essays, just daily non-sense, sometimes one-lines or small phrases. And no concerns about readers or followers. Anyways, I didn't make big out of my well-framed and well-organised posts. And though impressive, I couldn't always stay the same Calm and composed deep thoughts.

The trigger, I read this one-awesome blog busblog, where he told me (well, me when i read) how we must go about a blog. Though it hasn't sinked in wholly, i just feel like doing this. 

Let's see how it goes.

The plain Truth, It just never stops. :-)

Incidently, World's a Stage.

     Sometimes, We never want to face the harsh reality, and so we choose to be blind, We prefer to stay in darkness and we firmly believe the illusion of Darkness being the normal way.

     We don't want to see the Truth, We act, along with the "atmosphere", that Everything is fine.

     We laugh and talk casually, though all along and deep inside our Hearts, We know and feel that something is not Right. Something is really missing.

     Mis-managed.

     We build a sand castle for hours. Though we are aware of the Truth that if we go back to our little castle, there is high probability that it won't exist. This makes us to avoid going back, keeps us from turning back to catch a glimpse of our small work. All we do is to keep walking on, with the beautiful picture of our possession in mind and a firm belief that things are still the same.


     Life. . . .


     We know, Things don't stay the same way we left.  We could guess the ingenuity of words, We could see the True faces behind the masks, And we do feel the Discomfort in an artificially constructed scene.
     And Us. . . We do not want to disturb the calm, though improper, Waters. We are scared of the Truth, And the Fear of Harsh Reality weighs more than the Friction of Falseness. 


     And we just do, what seems to be the Best-for-all choice. . .


     We ignore the taunts of our inner-sense, and With an indifferent and tired smile, We put on our own Masks and carry on with our Act.


      Cos', Ultimately, The Play has to go on. .

A Gap-Fill.

     Well, To start with, this post is just an indicator to the existence of my good-old-non-stop thinking and love for writing, which gets conquered most of the times by laziness.

     All the same, i happen to go through few blogs that got me attached to them as well bring back the Feel to write. Hence i felt the need to start with something somewhere, and even if i don't continue, the start RE-Start is what matters this time. 

     Passion, i suppose, should have a Hold, especially when it does not come under our career scope and the "career-work" takes almost the whole day of a day. I have been thinking about this Hold lately. This Hold would be the key to take Passion seriously, and not get caught in the dreary travel of daily life.

     This World is filled with Dreams, Dreams that got unattended lost the Addresses somewhere in the daily walk of Life, Dreams that at a later point of time got tagged as a Regret and got trashed in some bin with a Sigh; Dreams that would make us fall in love with life and walk us through the blocks and hurdles, that would be the reason for smiles and send positive vibes through channels of co-dreams.

     And though i know the value of my dreams, Here i am, talking about a Hold, a Hold for the Dreams that are a Hold itself for anyone who feel that they are hanging in a cliff and heading down. If it means that the Dream would stay alive and not just within my head, than it is perfectly fine even if i sound a weak person who is desperate to show off "i-am-good-at-this" attitude. 

     A Hold, about which i may not define or discuss here, or write down the ideas on it, or even accept the fact that i still have no clue about it. But i can guarantee one thing, when i seem to be doing justice to my own interests, you could be sure that i would have and am trying out all possible ways to work on the works i am passionate about.

     If there are some stories of some Dreams and interests in some corner of this world, and how they are breathing in the universe, Kindly Share it here. :-)

     In the End, Life is all about, not the heights we reach or properties we earn, but how we Lived our Dreams and valued our Life. :-)

And the Joy gets multiplied when we find fellow Dreamers of this World. A Fraternity of Dreamers, supporting and inspiring each other.

P.S.: I suppose this Gap-fill would be a Hold too, to overcome the emptiness here. Now for the Gap-fill in my Photoblog. :-P

                        

THE NAME FANTASIES - MY NAME MEANS MEE. . .

     A few days back, i was G-chatting with this new e-friend of mine. 

     She said that i have a cute name, to which i made a partial-modest reply. Yes, Partial-modest. 

I don't think i am modest but then, i have been hearing a lot of stop-being-modest comments lately that i am consciously trying to keep off the modest part, and ultimately ending up giving a partial-diplomatic, partial-humble and partial-funny reply. Anyways, that's not the subject. 

     I replied her, "My name sounds cute alright, but that's just my nicky" and told her my complete proper name, Vinithra.

     She was like, Ohhhh...(A long thoughtful one) Nice name (after a long thought, but not fully satisfied with the word 'nice'). Mmmm, Different actually (Finally, coming to a conclusion). 

     But she seemed to start liking my name. (God Promise, i didn't publicize or colorize the font) 

     She said in a dreamy tone, "Wish i had that name. There are two margarets in my class itself. Not an issue but it would be nice to stand up uniquely to your name call". I just told her that names don't make a big difference and that she has a sweet name and that i was glad that she liked my name.

     Uh.. Oh. Wait a minute. Did i say that names don't matter much? 

     There have been many times where i picture myself with different names, Countless wishes of having a different name. But i don't mind sharing my name with someone, who knows, We might be sharing some common interests too and we might become great friends through our same-name-factor.

Anyways,

     Mine is not a totally common name. Just that you don't get to hear much, And obviously totally new to English people.

     There are few things that hold me back from falling in love with my name. 

A big con. BIG CON. It starts with V.

(I could sense your angry look).

     Well, As a school-going kid. I wished badly and daily to have a name that starts with A, So that i get to stand as the first person in a queue while going on local trips to museum and library, the first name in attendance and get called first everytime, the first name for the teachers and students to remember through everyday attendance-calls, first to take the first post as class monitor, or first to take up some responsibility on first day of school, or to get to sit on the first bench, or. . . 

Yeah, the usual school kid's thrills. 

     The A-wish went on for a while, till my high-schooling i suppose.

     But Name-wish continued.

     My name is actually one of the many names of Goddess Saraswati, Indian God of Knowledge. Kinda proud of that. Ignoring that, well there are names which makes people to say wow-sweet-name genuinely, without the courtesy-force of passing the same compliment.

There are names that sound powerful and cool and enticing, and names that are lovable and cute. 

     Sometime back, i remember that i was wishing for a name, the person being cute and loved by all her friends, And who attracted the attention of someone close-to-heart, the small possessiveness factor.

     But when i think about it, And a lot of After-thoughts through years,

     My friends like my name, or rather i think it is because it is mine. I don't think that it would matter much to them even if i had any of the names i wished for, and nothing would have changed much, except for the way they would have nick-named me. 

     Moreover, except for the way i would have felt about my name, no other difference i would have seen.

     Afterall, names that have a meaning, color, tone, flavour or a history behind, not necessarily would add meaning to life. 

     Maybe, when we create history our names would get added to the ELITE list.

     One of my close friends from college said that she found my name different and new when she heard it first, but now the common names that sound like mine seem new to her. L-O-L! 

Only a step difference in taking a liking for you, the instant when your name is said and the moment immediately after that instant. 

     The whole post may sound new to you (Like my name), or something that you heard from someone or felt yourself long back, but sure got my thinking-s. 

     Well, I may or may not be completely convinced, but i kinda like my name, no issues. 

     All the same, the admiration for names continue. . . . 

     Some of the names that made me go WOW! 

     - Pooja, Heera, Henna, Sanjana, Jiah, Sarah, Samantha, Hannah, Ann, Sheena, Joanne, Catherine, . . . . 

And many Shakespearean names like Viola, Ariel, Miranda, Celia, Adriana, Helena,. . . (No, Not Juliet, Never a fan of Tragedy, Especially a romantic tragedy)

And Mythical ones like Ariel, Heidi, Cindrella, Aurora, Marigold,. . . . . . .

     So, Ever felt not-so-fine with your name and wished or got ideas to change it? had any name crushes? Name a name or two that attracted you and got your liking instantly?