A VIRTUAL RELAPSE.

You know, what it really means to be detached?

I have deactivated my facebook account. Unplugged a source that had the lights of bonds keep going on.

Now the power is gone, the color of lights do not seem to matter much and my eyes are getting accustomed to the dark. A Nice Feel.

Nobody really cares how we feel. It is all about how others perceive how we feel.

The times when people really wanted to keep in touch with colleagues and friends and grow their networks, both professionally and socially, isn't much obvious in this social network.

The present has seen this virtual network grow so big, all on the basis of mediocre human nature, that has brought the real purpose of networking.

Well For instance, How many of us do think about the number of likes and comments every day?

The number of "shares" for what we shared.

The size of our friend list.

The exploration of private lives of people and their relationships.

Well, most of us do. And It is quite normal. We want people to look up on us.

The survival of humanity exists in the mutual acknowledgments between fellow minds.

We wish to be recognized and we desire to be appreciated.

In this process, we also actually lose the touch with ourselves, forget to think worthy of self and the genuineness of our own thoughts that are actually invaluable.

I am well aware of some voices of disagreements, from my own mind as well as echoes from around. But then, Basic rule - Perceptions differ.

I am not generalizing my opinion. All the same, I have suspended mine , cos' I saw myself getting lost in the virtual intricacies, becoming more conscious on what I say, more concerned on the responses.

I was pretending to be happy, when I was in reality facing a dead end. 

Not the least, I saw my personal space invaded.

This is it.

If I have to rule a kingdom, I dare rule it my way.

I love it this way. This detachment from the struggle for existence in the virtual world. A kind of Rehab. 

Feel Good. :-)

However, I would be back FB-ing.

But for now,   

    Feels Good. :-)

THE NAME FANTASIES - MY NAME MEANS MEE. . .

     A few days back, i was G-chatting with this new e-friend of mine. 

     She said that i have a cute name, to which i made a partial-modest reply. Yes, Partial-modest. 

I don't think i am modest but then, i have been hearing a lot of stop-being-modest comments lately that i am consciously trying to keep off the modest part, and ultimately ending up giving a partial-diplomatic, partial-humble and partial-funny reply. Anyways, that's not the subject. 

     I replied her, "My name sounds cute alright, but that's just my nicky" and told her my complete proper name, Vinithra.

     She was like, Ohhhh...(A long thoughtful one) Nice name (after a long thought, but not fully satisfied with the word 'nice'). Mmmm, Different actually (Finally, coming to a conclusion). 

     But she seemed to start liking my name. (God Promise, i didn't publicize or colorize the font) 

     She said in a dreamy tone, "Wish i had that name. There are two margarets in my class itself. Not an issue but it would be nice to stand up uniquely to your name call". I just told her that names don't make a big difference and that she has a sweet name and that i was glad that she liked my name.

     Uh.. Oh. Wait a minute. Did i say that names don't matter much? 

     There have been many times where i picture myself with different names, Countless wishes of having a different name. But i don't mind sharing my name with someone, who knows, We might be sharing some common interests too and we might become great friends through our same-name-factor.

Anyways,

     Mine is not a totally common name. Just that you don't get to hear much, And obviously totally new to English people.

     There are few things that hold me back from falling in love with my name. 

A big con. BIG CON. It starts with V.

(I could sense your angry look).

     Well, As a school-going kid. I wished badly and daily to have a name that starts with A, So that i get to stand as the first person in a queue while going on local trips to museum and library, the first name in attendance and get called first everytime, the first name for the teachers and students to remember through everyday attendance-calls, first to take the first post as class monitor, or first to take up some responsibility on first day of school, or to get to sit on the first bench, or. . . 

Yeah, the usual school kid's thrills. 

     The A-wish went on for a while, till my high-schooling i suppose.

     But Name-wish continued.

     My name is actually one of the many names of Goddess Saraswati, Indian God of Knowledge. Kinda proud of that. Ignoring that, well there are names which makes people to say wow-sweet-name genuinely, without the courtesy-force of passing the same compliment.

There are names that sound powerful and cool and enticing, and names that are lovable and cute. 

     Sometime back, i remember that i was wishing for a name, the person being cute and loved by all her friends, And who attracted the attention of someone close-to-heart, the small possessiveness factor.

     But when i think about it, And a lot of After-thoughts through years,

     My friends like my name, or rather i think it is because it is mine. I don't think that it would matter much to them even if i had any of the names i wished for, and nothing would have changed much, except for the way they would have nick-named me. 

     Moreover, except for the way i would have felt about my name, no other difference i would have seen.

     Afterall, names that have a meaning, color, tone, flavour or a history behind, not necessarily would add meaning to life. 

     Maybe, when we create history our names would get added to the ELITE list.

     One of my close friends from college said that she found my name different and new when she heard it first, but now the common names that sound like mine seem new to her. L-O-L! 

Only a step difference in taking a liking for you, the instant when your name is said and the moment immediately after that instant. 

     The whole post may sound new to you (Like my name), or something that you heard from someone or felt yourself long back, but sure got my thinking-s. 

     Well, I may or may not be completely convinced, but i kinda like my name, no issues. 

     All the same, the admiration for names continue. . . . 

     Some of the names that made me go WOW! 

     - Pooja, Heera, Henna, Sanjana, Jiah, Sarah, Samantha, Hannah, Ann, Sheena, Joanne, Catherine, . . . . 

And many Shakespearean names like Viola, Ariel, Miranda, Celia, Adriana, Helena,. . . (No, Not Juliet, Never a fan of Tragedy, Especially a romantic tragedy)

And Mythical ones like Ariel, Heidi, Cindrella, Aurora, Marigold,. . . . . . .

     So, Ever felt not-so-fine with your name and wished or got ideas to change it? had any name crushes? Name a name or two that attracted you and got your liking instantly?

                                                                   

I AM SAD! BAD! MAD! :-|

     Yeah rite. As the title says, I AM SAD, I AM BAD and I AM MAD.

     This post is a spontaneous one, un-planned and un-organised. Probably, more vague and forlorn as i am just venting out. So don't expect some well-framed beautiful phrases and words, cos' am in a sad, bad and mad mood that it is well gonna be short and silly and full of errors. Well, not my mistake. My temper doesn't know grammar.

     Let me just let it out short.

SAD!

     My bestie is leaving the country for her higher studies.

     

     Friends, countless in number and still expanding into a larger network. I admit that there are many in my life who are pinned with the tag of friendship. Also, i can very well say, with happiness and a little pride, that i am and can be a good friend.

     But then, there is only one with whom you can feel the complete compatibility. The one that cannot be replaced with infinite number of people.

     I believe strongly that Friendship is something wherein one, instead of influencing and changing one's life, should rather accept the person as they are.

     I have awesome great friends. But my best friend is someone with whom the above principle of friendship do not apply, or rather i should say that it has no use. There is nothing to be understood and accepted, cos' she is like a twin soul to me.

The best thing is that i met the BEST FRIEND with whom i feel so much connected.

The bad thing is that the meeting got delayed.

The worst thing is that she is soon going to a distant place for her masters.

     Well, i know that life has to keep going on and there are lot of ways to stay in contact and friends are made forever and it is the impossible to break this perfect friendship and also i am happy for her next phase.

     But there are certain things that our mind knows which our heart doesn't accept.

Hence, I am feeling sad!

BAD!

     Call it over-confidence or attitude or self-pride but It actually sounds funny when i describe myself as bad.

     Anyways, the thing is that yesterday mom asked me the details of the transactions and withdrawals from my account during the last month.

     I am sometimes stupidly hyper-sensitive about few things and tend to react in a stupid way. Finances are one of them. 

     Once dad complained that i should ask him for money directly if i am in need, for which my sensitivity got enabled and i stopped asking him for anything, except for signature in application forms. 

     Leos are independent souls and do not depend on anyone for anything. It might sound weak but then i am that, a strong leo. 

     Four years back, mom commented that i am over-using the credit card, and from then on, she stresses me to use it well cos' of my reduction, absence sometimes, of the use of card.

Too sensitive. Yeah that's me.

     After her much reluctant and cautiously framed inquiry, my temper shot up and was fuming with anger on the mis-trust and baseless assumption of wasting away the funds.

     Huh, there is this person who knows that i don't like dependence and provides me with the resources without my asking, yet i get angry with very few simple questions that ought to be told.

     How could i be so bad!

MAD

     I am waiting for the past two months for my call from the company about the joining date. 

It is so irritating to spend days with no work at all and while away time lazily.

     I love free times and holidays, but only if they are properly spaced between work. 

     This long, seemingly-unending empty days of vacation are so maddening that i either keep thinking about silly issues and worry without reasons, or paint the whole present with negativity.

     The maddening part of the madness is that i think of something and i contradict myself.

     Huh, I wanna think clear! Refine and focus the wandering thought-flow! Duh! Soo mad!

          Phew. . If you have scrolled all the way down through my frustrations, i really appreciate it. :-)

     The real post that i have worked out but incomplete, is currently sleeping with two other drafts. I will be completing soon hopefully. 

     These feel-bad disturbances just make me so dead tired!

     Let's see how things proceed.

     

     See ya soon, with better reasons and positive goods!

DEDICATED TO A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE. . .

In this material world,

as the search for worthless treasures continue..

in the middle of all stress and strains,

the smallest of joys go unnoticed..

Less maybe the real time we spent together,

rare maybe the marks that had our name..

and the more we get to know each other,

the more clear is the fact of us being not the same..

The bond may not be intense..

the presence may not be felt..

But all the above keys fade off,

once i am reminded of the moments you were there..

I may not say that you make me win,

but you always see to it that i dont lose..

You never do preach or counsel..

but my learning process never seem to end..

neither formal nor too informal,

you still make a great friend..

I wont count on destiny,

and worst things do happen

that might drift us far apart..

False promises die,

but true memories do live..

After years when i turn back,

i can never fail to notice,

not the milestones i crossed,

but the moments you made..

As we consider mutually,

"thank you" being a formal word..

this is for you especially,

a simple ode to a priceless friend..

this is dedicated to a special friend of mine who makes the slightest difference to this mundane life..

To u, "spikey"[the southpark fan:)],who teaches the reality from the virtual world.. :)